I survived

My name is Lacinda and I survived a “toxic” relationship.

It was the most painful and confusing time of my life. There were days I convinced myself I’d be okay if I changed nothing. I practiced yoga occasionally, burned my sage, taught my daughter about the stones in my bag, and sometimes (at least for a moment) found a center that felt real and true. Those days were great and I wouldn’t trade them for all the iced chai tea lattes in the world.

Then there were the other days – the majority. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed. Others, I claimed wild diagnoses from dr. Google, grasping for any blame that didn’t ask me to be accountable for the way things were cycling. I contemplated taking my own life at times. TimeS being the key there. It was a consideration that seriously stuck around.

Here’s the part that blows your mind.

Ready?

This relationship existed for the majority of my life. While I haven’t yet pinpointed the moment it all began, I know it’s been at least 14 years…

I wasn’t trapped by anyone else.

I’d been in a “toxic” relationship with myself.

This is not to say that I am “toxic”. I’m not.

This is also not to say my last romantic relationship was healthy. It wasn’t.

Let’s dig around a bit, shall we?

Because my relationship with myself had been so profoundly distorted, I believed in nonsense.

I believed I was “toxic”, even though I am not.

I believed every pitfall in my ten-year, two-person love life was my doing, even though it was not.

I was constantly busy beating myself up for things that weren’t true.

For thousands of days, I lived in a dramatic survival mode. Fighting for dear life in normal circumstances and experiencing everything as a threat.

UNTIL

I left that sorry relationship behind.

It’s freeing to finally connect the dots between how I relate to myself [[first]] and how I [[then]] relate to the world. Possibilities now exist where it seemed there were none.

I share all of this today knowing I am not the only one who’s created, living with, and even protecting their own “toxic” relationship.

To those of you who are, may you move forward starting today knowing something can be different for you. That you can choose a new way when you’re ready to get off the train ride to doom town. It’s true you don’t have all the time in the world. Still, you have all the time you need.

I’m hoping if reading this you’ve felt seen, heard, supported, inspired, challenged, angry, charged up, emotional, or anything at all, you’ll find 3 seconds of courage to connect with me – either for the first time or on a deeper level. Send me a message. Comment below. Say hello.

I’m not an adorable photo with a perfect life attached. I am a real human. And I survived.